The Guy Who Never Calls

Kyle v. Keegan/Friends/Filed Sep 25, 2026

Keegan. The one who calls himself my friend. Family, even. Can't bother to call or write while I'm here in Europe. Think you know somebody.

Plaintiff

Kyle@kyle

Keegan likes to claim that he's my friend. Although, he decides to prioritize "work" or "his wife" in times when he should be on the game or hanging with his pals. Honestly, this case is pretty straight forward. He's not who he claims to be. And also I've heard him say Firefighters are better and braver than cops can ever be. It was disgusting.

Defense

Keegan

The plaintiff, Kyle, loves to pass the blame onto me for the reason we do not game as much. However, I would like it to be known that he VOLUNTARILY went on deployment to a country on the other side of the world. This created a 6 hour time difference. Even after such event, I still made an effort to get up early and play games with him. However, on multiple occasions, I was left high and dry because he “accidentally” got hammered drunk in a random Polish bar while cheating on me with other dudes. AND he now chose to take another deployment where he won’t even be able to play games for over a month and a half. So the blame is not where he claims. Just for the record, I’ve also heard him say that the military is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him and that he plans to stay in well past the time he’s able to retire, just so that he can take extra deployments.

Findings of the court

Kyle alleges that Keegan neglects gaming and friendship in favor of work and his wife. Keegan responds that Kyle’s deployments, six-hour time difference, and missed gaming plans materially caused the reduced contact.

Kyle submitted no evidence establishing how often Keegan failed to call, game, or socialize.
Kyle’s own statement identifies work and Keegan’s wife as competing commitments, but does not establish that attending to either amounts to false friendship.
Keegan provided a specific, unrebutted account that Kyle’s deployments and missed sessions contributed to the reduced gaming time. The record is thin, but that account more directly addresses causation than Kyle’s general accusation.
The parties’ alleged opinions about firefighters, police officers, and military careers do not resolve who caused the gaming shortage.

The court has reached a decision.

Verdict

Deployment Defeats the Charge of Friendship Abandonment

The complaint fails on both proof and causation. Kyle labels Keegan “the guy who never calls,” yet supplies no call history, examples, or even an estimated frequency. His statement instead establishes that Keegan sometimes prioritizes work and his wife—conduct insufficient to prove fraudulent friendship, even under the demanding jurisprudence of online gaming. Keegan offers the more specific account: Kyle voluntarily deployed across a six-hour time difference, missed planned sessions, and accepted another period during which gaming would be unavailable. These assertions are unsupported by exhibits, but they are also unrebutted and directly answer the charge. On this limited record, Kyle has not shown that Keegan bears responsibility for the parties’ reduced gaming time. The comparative bravery of firefighters and police officers is collateral and, mercifully, unnecessary to decide.

Order

Kyle shall initiate the next reasonably timed gaming session without assigning Keegan blame for geography.

A six-hour time difference is not proof of a six-hour friendship deficit.

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